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TITLE: Tera Tera Tera
Tera Patrick, Savanna Samson, Jordan Haze, Nicole Sheridan, Ashley Long, Kim
Chambers, Kimberly Kane, Spyder Jonez, Mick Blue, Tristan Seagal, Voodoo,
and Grant Michaels
CREDITS: Directed by Chi Chi La Rue
Tera Patrick is an exotic half-Thai, half-English ex-porn chick married to a Hollywood character actor. Despite being popular in the early Zeroes, she quit the business two years ago and is now gearing up for a comeback. There ’s something about her that has a certain Traci Lords vibe that I initially like. She’s beautiful, well spoken and charismatic in her interviews. I wager she’ll have a lucrative future. But despite this, I feel shortchanged in her re-launch movie. I hate to say it but this movie reeks so much like spin that you can’t get past it! We see Tera more as a businesswoman (and a wife) here than THE porn queen. And that sucks! We are suddenly inundated with a marketing tool, and not much of a blue movie. What’s more, the movie has some glaring put-downs. In a movie that’s supposed to be all about Tera, she only gets around 75% screen time of her, and in those times, the other performers shine through. The scenes are unevenly paced. They also don’t hold any coherence with one another and is more like a hodgepodge of Tera’s supposed fantasies that incidentally, aren’t really that fantastical! And to think that the grand dame of gay porn, Chi Chi La Rue, directs this! Tera’s new effort might be effective as a sex portfolio but it’s a bland comeback.
As we see Tera’s impressive stills portfolio, Chi Chi does a gonzo and interviews a dainty-looking Tera. We get acquainted (or reacquainted, whichever way you see it) with her and catch up with what she’s up to. The proceeding is like watching an Oprah segment with the promise of sex! In this part, she reveals that she has repackaged herself and is now signed with Vivid Entertainment. A few minutes after the blab fest, we segue to a sex scene that shows us that Tera hasn't really strayed from her past porn persona. In fact, she seems straight-laced here. The first sex scene is a wet boy/girl encounter between Tera and her porcine husband Evan Seinfeld (who uses a hilariously cartoony porn du plume: Spyder Jonez). Evan is an actor of the defunct HBO “Oz” and is attempting to put Ron Jeremy a run for his money. As most character actors go, he doesn’t share the same charisma as his wife, to put it lightly. So when the two finally gets it going, your attention goes to Tera and Evan’s funky biker tattoos. After a rowdy deep throat and cunni action, the two face each other while he spoons her with an upraised leg. A squat missionary soon follows, then a reverse cowgirl. This time she does the bouncing dance while swaying and grinding for maximum pleasure. Evan finally splooges on her face.
My main beef about porn, in general, is that the featured star isn’t always on every vignette (especially when her name is plastered all over the disc). I’m more ticked off that Tera relegates herself as the porn version of Elvira Mistress of the Dark, introducing vignettes and then feeling herself up as a bonus. Here she is now in porn costume with nice black lacy underwear and talks like a phone sex talent. A theme that has nothing to do with the earlier sequences! Jordan Haze becomes the object of Tera’s fantasy as a Russian blonde enjoying an alleyway threesome with Tristan Seagal and Austrian hunk Mickey Blue. Accorded with tacky jewelry, Jordan revels as her big artificial boobs gets the tongue-down. She muffles a cry as the two mess up her pussy with their fingers. Then Mickey Blue helps himself with her pussy as Grant continues to moisten her nipples. She unzips their flies and uncorks their dicks for an enthusiastic double microphone. Grant eats Jordan’s pussy and rims her while she sucks Mickey Blue’s cock. Grant starts fucking her with a standing doggy style. During this time, Jordan starts making sheep-like bleating noises as she sucks cock. This histrionics must be effective because Mickey Blue unloads his jism onto her after a standing reverse cowgirl. Grant beats off as Jordan presses his dick between her mammaries until he gives her a breast spray.
We go back to gonzo mode as the movie’s underrated player appears. Savanna Samson talks about the thrill of working with Tera. With no more delays, the scene shifts to a g/g by the fireplace. In a nutshell, this scene depicts Savannah teaching Tera the pleasures of woman loving. A few minutes into the scene, both girls seem hesitant at first, completely winging foreplay. Still feeling prudish, Tera uses her fingers to play and warily sticks out her tongue to Savanna’s warm mound. I actually see Tera lingering for a little while, unsure whether she’s up to it or not. But she slaps Savanna’s cunt as she starts getting the hang of it. Savanna, a wonderful and accommodating pro, starts giving our lead some encouragement. Seconds later, I find Tera eating Savanna’s cabbage, but not as convincingly as I would have expected. There’s nothing worse than a play-acting g/g! So before it gets worse, Savanna, a trooper if I ever saw one, takes charge of the situation. She becomes the dominatrix of sorts as she ties Tera‘s panties as a gag. With her tongue, she worships Tera’s feet, working her way up towards her half-breed snatch. Savanna demonstrates to Tera how it’s done! From the looks of it, Tera’s surprised look revealed how pleasurable it is. Savanna hungrily buries her face into Tera’s snatch, the sparkle in her eye makeup lends an added allure. Tara then straddles Savanna on her face as they impale each other with a pair of steel dildoes. We are then rewarded with the image of two dildos on Tera’s twat. Tera reciprocates by stuffing Savanna’s vag with another dildo. Then as a parting shot, we see a double dildo pene with Tera’s pussy getting eaten together with a dildo stuffed in her vag.
We again start with Madame Tera – sultry porn spokesperson in heavy black lace -- introducing another fantasy: four wet sticky pussies meeting up with three slippery cocks. The thought somehow excites her and we see more footage of her fondling herself. It’s all for show and it mildly arouses me. Minutes later, we are transported to a set similar to a Broadway musical, complete with dancing lights. Four girls (all blondes) and three guys duke it in scaffolding on a completely white background. The seven players are divided into three.
First group: We have a threesome with Ashley Long, Kimberly Kane and Voodoo. We find Ashley hungrily sucking Voodoo’s porker, while Kimberly teases his nipples. Watch Kimberly do her version of a head bang as she sucks that cock! Voodoo then tosses Kimberly’s salad while Ashley hums a cock song. Voodoo gives a memorably enthusiastic fucking as she pounds both girls with a standing missionary and a cowgirl reverse.
Second group: Mick Blue eats Nicole Sheridan’s pussy. These two are hot for each other. Though Nicole, in real life, is married to Voodoo, Nicole sucks Mick Blue’s cock like she doesn’t care. She also has a big mouth that’s perfect for the spot and a mouth that needs to be washed with soap! Does this bitch curse! But then, that’s another reason why Nicole’s a winner! Nicole gets face fucked and clubbed, but as the movie progresses they become entangled in weird uncomfortable positions, making full use of the scaffolding as a lean-to. Mick Blue then positions her for a standing missionary with raised leg and a doggy style.
Third group: The less louder from the bunch are Grant Michaels and Kim Chambers. Grant eats Kim’s pussy with her left leg raised. These two like showing off! Kim administers her blowjob with a suck-and-twist method. While everyone else is groaning, both of them are quietly minding their own boinking. This all changes when they go to a missionary as Kim cries out and whimpers. Unfazed, Grant rams his cock into an outstretched Kim.
As the three teams finish their individual performances, Grant, Voodoo and Ashley Long converge for a hot d/p while Kim Chambers and Kimberly Kane do some background g/g action. Voodoo then shoots his load on Kimberly and Ashley’s mouths. Then we have an impromptu cum transfer between the two. Kim gives a quick oral cream pie. Grant Michaels shoots his load on blonde Kim Chambers; while Mick Blue explodes on Nicole Sheridan’s chin. When all the guys came, Kimberly and Ashley starts working on Nicole before moving to the movie’s finale.
Gonzo mode again as we find Savanna being interviewed by Chi Chi La Rue about her upcoming threesome with Teya and Evan. They go all Oprah again as Savanna chats with Tera on the emotional consequences of their threesome. Ok, I know both girls are intelligent but why do they have to discuss this onscreen? Their threesome is just a scene in a movie and these two are making a big fuss out of it. As the token “Third Wheel”, Savanna performs admirably in the vignette proper, which is more than I can say for Tera. Savannah ends up doing most of the work while Tera, well, just fucks, which I preferred the other way around. Tera attempts to rug munch but she prefers playing with her husband. As threesomes go, this one is rather chaste by porn standards. Tera and Evan seem caught up with each other that Savannah ends up being filler. Savanna knows this and uses this to her advantage as she works the camera. She ignores the couple and makes us look like she’s doing us! This may be a bummer for most Tera fans, but now, I am completely enthralled by our lovely blonde girl. Highlights in this vignette include Evan shoving his cock to the girls’ mouths one after the other, Savanna's VtoGM, and the double dildo where the two girls get impaled face to face.
The movie ends with some interesting outtakes that we should have seen more in the movie. There’s a hilarious bit about Savanna teaching Tera where to hide her newly bought dildo from her husband.