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Can you ever have too much of a good thing? Well, the old adage says you can never be too rich or too thin. Ask Karen Carpenter, however, and she would give you a different take on it. The fact is you can have too much of a good thing. A better question might be: where does one draw the line designating excess? It’s a rather subjective ponderance, but here are some quick reference guidelines: enjoying the smell of gasoline = reasonable; deodorizing your bathroom with a quart of diesel = excessive. Looking at a naked picture of Christy Turlington = reasonable; fawning over an MRI of her gall bladder = excessive. Keeping that in mind, ass fetishist extraordinaire Brian Plumper flirts mercilessly with the ultra-thin line between reason and excess throughout his nearly three hour epic ass-capade, The Ass Spread.
Just what is an “ass spread”? Imagine a Stretch Armstrong doll or Mr. Fantastic doing what they do, only substitute the image with a large, round, rippling ass. These lewd lasses pull and ply their ass cheeks so far apart that it’ll remind you of the neck hole on that old Bon Jovi concert shirt from high school. Nevertheless, for ass lovers, this film takes you right where you want to be.
Kirra Lynne is a dirty girl, and by dirty I mean dir-tay, literally. If, as they say, cleanliness is next to Godliness, then Kirra’s ass resides somewhere in a dark, crusty region of hell’s lowest plain. But, not even a gym workout, a short run, and a day removed from running water can sway our long-dicked, ass-craving hero Brian from following his nose. He sniffs at her ass like he was sampling a rare bottle of port. No time for foreplay now, Dr. Jones. He whips out his lumber and goes right to work on Kirra’s cute, but sweat-saturated sassafras. Drilling her doggie, RCG, and missionary with a little throat gagging for good measure, Plumper’s cock gets the brunt of some seismic level rump-shaking, priming him for his kill shot of cum on Kirra’s ass.
Emma Heart is the hot blonde schoolgirl you always said needed a good ass fucking to cure her of her foul attitude. Live vicariously through Mr. Plumper, my friends. Assembling his large troop, he perpetrates a Blitzcrack on this pale rider’s shapely ass, fucking her anal style from the side and cowgirl before pinning her shoulders to the ground and lancing her rear like he was spear fishing. That gaping hole you see isn’t the plot, it is Emma’s ass stretched to its ultimate limits. That’s okay, because it provides a bigger target for the ejection of Plumper’s pearly dewdrops.
Plumper’s fetish tastes are so potent that they go beyond color, creed, music affinity or anything else. Tori Sweets and Rosario Stone are a sweet chocolate delight and spicy Spanish senorita respectively. They too fire up their ass spreads for the world to see. Plumper didn’t see it; he smelled it and came-a-runnin’. Then he came-a-fuckin’, spraying his wad onto their cracks just like the others.
The fuck scenes are so long that Brian included only four in this film. That’s quite all right, though, as there is a second disc! The bonus disc includes three more ass spreads sure to please any butt-loving bloke. Just be advised that, although there are some brief blowjob and handjob interludes, they are included as almost an afterthought. This film is about shots of ass, more ass, and almost nothing but ass.
So, how much of a good thing is too much and where does one draw the line? That’s for you to decide, but a good chalk mark where soap bubbles meet day-old sweat might be a good start.